Heaven’s Casino

I was undone 

My madness always stepped 

In behind, it always crept

Encircled my throat 

It squeezed my breath 

Scared strangled

Never free 

Pursued by terror 

Seeking wisdom and truth 

Ran into the fever of whatever 

Was written in that book 

By that guy about something 

He claimed to exhume 

Knowledge ancient and blessed 

They said it was holy 

Where my journey should be 

To starve myself 

Become one with some sorta energy 

To cleave myself 

From my ego, be freed 

Yet, I didn’t believe it fully

But the devotees 

Were kinda convincing 

I was disjointed enough

To know I needed fixing 

Addicted enough 

My dreams, flushed 

The toilet spinning 

My life was draining away 

“Seek!” They preached 

“Spiritual absolution

There’s no such thing as pain

It is all just delusion

Love resides underneath 

This mortal illusion!”

So desperately

I wanted to believe

And for the longest of breaths 

I held in perpetuity 

Clawing at a life raft 

In the sea of discontinuity 

My puking, relentless 

Desperate for immunity

But that third cake said 

It wasn’t working 

For no matter how many 

Meditations I attended

No matter how many breaths

Exhaled, when they ended

No matter my efforts, God

I always offended 

My messages to heaven

Left on “read”

So I ended up 

In Vegas instead 

The city of sin

Where god is dead 

If I’m cut off from holy 

May as well be in hell saying  

“Amen!”

With my old friend fear  

To drink with me

And what comes next

I bet you couldn’t guess 

That the holy spirit was found 

At the bottom of a shot glass 

In this gutter, I was the priest  

And God knelt to confess

“Welcome to Heaven’s Casino”

A place I thought 

I’d never be 

Or that ever entered my mind 

As a possibility 

Yet here God is

Kneeled in front of me 

Proclaiming “You have three lessons 

To learn.”

“But in order to learn 

You need to get down with the dregs 

Go up to your room 

Tuck your judgements in bed 

You can’t un-know now

That heaven is strange 

And this ride

Is by no means easy.”

Then the visage of God shifted

The features rearranged 

A killer, a sinner

A mother, a saint

Infinite faces

Forever they change 

But a few things seemed

To hold true 

When the ever-shifting countenance 

Finally settled onto me 

I was confronted with it all

Through shattered vision 

I would see 

That I was in god 

And god was in me 

And I was everything 

All along  

And through a flight of terror 

I played hide-in-seek 

Fled from being it all

From truth, turned the other cheek 

I wanted to be small 

I preferred being meek 

But it turns out from yourself 

You can’t hide

And the lights blink twink twink

God fell into the cups 

And the drunk in the gutter

Is named Judas the Bum 

Raise your glass to him

He’s endured more than enough 

Of the scorn we so cruelly heap 

I shoved my shot away 

But God gloated,

“Puke again!” 

This time I refused 

An argument, I couldn’t win 

I turned into a cow 

Giving birth, yet again

Heavy, through labour I breathed 

I promised myself 

I wouldn’t do this again 

I’m stronger than this 

To old habits, I won’t bend 

But God says “You like it.”

The truth, yet again!

And the time spent

Does not tell lies

This despicable thing 

I came here to be 

It was by design 

The joke is on me

Fat and barfing forever 

A life wasted perfectly 

For In divinity there is no error

Then I puked for the last time when 

I accepted the truth 

There was nothing at all 

That I would have to achieve or to prove 

To be worthy of love 

Because it turns out

It’s moot 

And there’s no such thing

As “worthy” 

And the slots ching bling bling 

God was deep in the cups 

And the slut on the pole 

Is named Magdalene In Blue Pumps 

Raise your glass to her

She’s endured more than enough 

Of the scorn we so cruelly heap 

"Now for the third lesson 

To halt your parade of 'Amens'”

God smirked and leaned in

“Stick with me till the end 

You won’t like it, I think

But you can no longer pretend 

And the drawn curtain

Was the choice you did make.”

“You see, God is not just good 

But the Devil, in drag 

And the Devil is God 

In a cheap suit smoking a fag 

Having the time of our lives 

Running amok in your veins 

And you’re invited to the party.”

“In this cartoon casino 

It’s all just a game 

It’s I verses I

If I can’t lose I can’t win 

So I made myself forget

To feel love, to feel pain 

Because monopoly without risk (you can't lose)

Is no fun.”

“There’s a dark side of heaven 

And a light side of hell 

It’s the part they all omit 

The part they won’t tell

In most of those books 

Where disciples in ecstasy yell

For the truth is to much 

To hold sane” 

Then God smirked at me

It was a bit of a con

There is lesson the forth 

And it was love all along 

It could have been him and him 

A poem by Gibran  

One, though dual 

Are we

And the lights blink twink twink

God shattered the cup

And the drunk in the gutter

Is named Jesus the Bum 

Raise your glass to him

He’s endured more than enough 

Of the scorn we so cruelly heap 

And the slots ching bling bling 

God left, I gave up  

And the slut on the pole 

Is named Mary In Blue Pumps 

Raise your glass to her

She’s endured more than enough 

Of the scorn we so cruelly heap 

And the slot ching bling bling 

Your journey’s been tough 

And you, at the bar

You’re forgiven, the joke’s up

Raise your glass to yourself 

You’ve endured more than enough 

Of the scorn you so cruelly heap

Return to “Shadows Are Heavy”